youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
