Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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