The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
