If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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