Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize