dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
