I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
