So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
