I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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