____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
