Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
