new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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