Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
