I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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