Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
