Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize