My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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