Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
