My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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