Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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