i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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