What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
No I am not eating basil off your cock
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
