this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
