Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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