1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
