if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
