i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
