just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Im part way to drunk.
Randomize
