youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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