know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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