Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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