I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
