im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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