The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
