Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
