don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
