i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
