Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
