Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize