I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
