Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
