she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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