Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
