remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
