capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
