so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
