I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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