I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he was CRYING into my vagina
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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