I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
