i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
