At least make sure they are 18
Why
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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