I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
