Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
