I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
