Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
