the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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