you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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