You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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