Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
