??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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