I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
