five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
